Introduction

Child Sexual Abuse is often considered one of the greatest evils in society, and the effects of such abuse are well documented. Survivors of mother-daughter sexual abuse have an added evil to contend with – the extreme isolation in feeling that they are the only survivors of this form of abuse, and that no one will believe them. These fears are not unfounded. Mother-daughter sexual abuse is a topic that receives little attention from researchers, support services, or the media. Survivors of mother-daughter sexual often report being met with disbelief or shock by friends, family, and even mental health care professionals, and survivors of other forms of sexual abuse. The fact that some mothers sexually abuse their daughters is an ugly, shattering thought. When it is your reality, it is infinitely worse.

Mothers are People too

    In our society, mothers are automatically given special status, and certain characteristics, such as “nurturing, caring, protective” are attributed to them. The truth is, at her core, a mother is a woman and a human being, and like any other human being, is capable of the same range of violence, hate and autonomous behavior. To view women or mothers any differently, is to not realize their full potential as human beings, for better or for worse.

Sexually Abusive Mothers

Mothers often sexually abuse in more than one way, and act independently. The sexual abuse can be violent and physically painful, and take place in the context of emotional and physical abuse as well.

Abusive acts experienced by daughters may include:

Digital penetration or insertion of objects into the vagina or anus
being touched or fondled, or being made to touch or fondle another
oral sex, giving or receiving
unnecessary enemas, catheterizations, application of “medicine” to genitals
being watched, or being forced to watch her mother bathe, dress, and/or masturbate  
verbal harassment concerning her sexual development or sexuality

Mother-daughter sexual abuse is not about homosexuality. In fact, the vast majority of abusers are married and heterosexual. This form of abuse is about a mother’s distorted views about herself and her daughter. The mother may be a survivor of abuse and act out her own experiences with her daughter. The mother may find it unbearable to see any part of herself in her daughter, and displace her own anger and shame over her sexuality onto her daughter. The mother often wishes to dominate and control her daughter, while also seeking emotional support from her, sometimes resulting in a reversal of roles.

Underreported Crime

The incidence of mother-daughter sexual abuse is unknown because it is a grossly underreported crime. Less than 1% of MDSA members report any intervention as a child. There are many reasons, including:

-    the extreme rarity of the offender seeking treatment, the victim reporting the abuse, or the authorities discovering the crime
-    therapists, social workers, doctors, teachers, etc. know very little about this form of abuse and/or do not consider it  a possibility
-    perpetrators overwhelmingly appear like "normal" caring mothers
-    lack of protection by physically or emotionally absent fathers OR abusive fathers
-    low physical evidence that can not be seen on routine physical examination
-    Abuse sometimes conducted under the guise of normal medical care or hygiene
-    child and adult survivors may not recognize their experiences as abusive
o    their experiences may be perceived as “normal” to them
o    there is a general lack of acknowledgement or validation for this form of abuse
o    as compared to male-female abuse, mother-daughter abuse tends to begin younger, last longer, and be more pervasive, yet covert

Specific Concerns for Survivors

-    confusion concerning sexual orientation (the majority of survivors are heterosexual)
o    may believe that she was targeted because she is lesbian (regardless of if she is or not)
o    may base her homosexual orientation on sexually abusive experiences, especially if she experienced a sexual response, or her mother had a sexual response
o    may falsely embrace heterosexuality as a rejection of female-female sexual experiences
-    a deep need for a mother; shame, guilt and very low trust and self-esteem
-    difficulty individuating from mother, feeling self is independent, whole
-    given a cruel, negative role model and distorted representations of being a woman and mother
-    confusion, rejection, and shame concerning her own sexual development as a female
-    uncertainty over being a mother, and how to appropriately raise and respond to a female child
-    the stigma from society; the lack of information, validation, understanding for this form of abuse

Many survivors of mother-daughter sexual abuse have multiple abusers, both male and female. Regardless, the sexual abuse by their mothers often stands out as the hardest to accept and heal from, and the last abuse experiences to be remembered. The impact of that statement cannot be ignored.

What Therapists Can Do

Believe: Believe a survivor of mother-daughter sexual abuse as you would any client. Refer if necessary.
Don’t assume: When a client discloses sexual abuse try to not assume the perpetrator or the abusive acts, and avoid gender-specific pronouns until you are referring to a specific perpetrator
Be aware: When asking a client about sexual abuse, show your client that you know that a perpetrator can be male or female; many survivors of mother-daughter sexual abuse wait for their therapists to give them an indication that they are aware of this form of abuse before they will disclose it (some never do or wait years)
Educate yourself: Be willing to learn. Some knowledge of this form of abuse as well as sexuality issues is recommended before you encounter such a client.

copyright 2007, Making Daughters Safe Again